by Giselle Moreau, ’16
*White cis female identifying heterosexual girl’s guide to grabbing her cis male identifying homosexual Sex and the City best friend.
Oh em gee! It’s Pride Weekend and you still don’t have a gay best friend! Cheaaa, what are you doing with yourself? Time to put on those Louboutin pumps and hit the Castro gurl!
You are an ally to the LGBT community, and as such you need to find yourself a cute gay accessory to drag with you wherever you go. Stay away from the gay girls, they’ll get too confused about their relationship with you—you do not want to find yourself making out with a girl gay best friend! That behavior is so college straight girl problems #lug. Stick with the gay male, he will make all of your (fashion, romantic) dreams come true.
The first step is looking your best. Gay guys can sense a fashion fraud from a mile away! Yes, he can help you reach new heights in appearance once you two are besties, but you need to reel him in with some taste first, honey. Plus, showing him that you know how to shop will make him that much more interested in visiting that new clothing boutique with you. How do you think Anna Wintour and Andre Leon Talley got together? Just put down some money on the credit card you’ve been dying to use and take over that Gucci store, boo. His custom suit and tie will look SO good with those red Jimmy Choos you splurged on. When he sees how great your French manicure is he’ll be dying to go get one of his own… with you!
If you don’t have the cash to spend, don’t worry! There’s always a gay boy out there whose guilty pleasure is revitalizing the sad sack appearance of a lost straight girl. There’s always hope. They’ll make a reality TV show out of your makeover.
After you’ve drawn him in with your smooth fashion tastes, engage in conversation about petty and/or gay things including but not limited to:
- His outfit
- Your outfit
- His fabulous hair
- Your fabulous hair
- His stupid ex-boyfriend
- Your stupid ex-boyfriend
- Happy hour
- How drunk you want to get
- Dancing on tables
- Gushing about Jake Gyllenhaal in Brokeback Mountain
- Gushing about Brad Pitt’s chiseled jawline
- Talking shit about Ellen DeGeneres
- Talking shit about lesbians
- Talking shit about Republicans
- Talking shit about everyone
- Talking shit
- Your trip to Cabo
- Harvey Milk
- Lady Gaga
- Kylie Minogue
- Whitney Houston
- RuPaul’s Drag Race
- Human Rights Campaign
- Equal Signs
- Tel Aviv Pride
- Selena Gomez’s totally original Come and Get It video
At this point in time you should be fast friends. Down that fourth martini and swagger out of that lounge bar like the lady you are, because you’ve just snagged yourself a gay best friend (GBF). How do I know? Well you’ve got the “Bitching while Drinking” date scheduled for tomorrow at Q Bar. Good job gurl!!!
Having a gay best friend is the high point of allyship. But what if you want to do more? Want to give 110% to your gay allies rather than just 100%? That’s where Pride comes in!
Pink party is the Saturday night of Pride in the Castro, so you’ll have to wear your best Mean Girls’ Wednesday outfit and be ready to get down with your GBF. Make sure you’re prepped with some matching booty shorts—y’all will literally take over the stage together. Don’t forget to take pictures smizing at the camera and post it all over your Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter accounts to show how much of an ally you are—#luvmygays! Way to go above and beyond!
We’re not done yet—if you want to sustain a relationship with your GBF or if you’re still looking for one on the Sunday of Pride Weekend, you’ll have to do the ultimate ally move—go to Pride Parade!!!
There’s no way you won’t be seen as the wonderful and supportive ally you are once you’ve shown up to SF Pride Parade in a pink tutu and a rainbow headband. Maybe if you twerk like Miley Cyrus in her new video you’ll snag yourself a black gay boy. That’s allyship in a package—black AND gay! Way to kill two birds with one stone.
After this no one will question your use of the words/phrases “shade,” “turnt,” “yaaass,” “werq,” “___ gives me life,” “servin’ ___ realness,” “gur,” ever again. You have successfully acquired the secret weapon to achieve straight white gurl realness: a gay best friend. You fruit fly, you.
PS—Don’t forget to put equality signs on your car, laptop, phone, and face.
Giselle Moreau is an undergraduate student at Stanford University. She is interested in exploring dialogue surrounding ideas of femininity, queerness, and race and ethnicity. She’s obsessed with bow ties and uses her French background to hit on girls (yeah, she just went there). She’s also unofficially won best dressed sailor on Stanford campus #nantucketforlife #frenchstripes.